I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
