R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
