It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
