I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
