Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
