cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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