Betty ford says i'm here all night
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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