They should really pass out barf bags in church
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the day after is always just damage control
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
