I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
