Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
