His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
