I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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