This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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