Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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