im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
