you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
