i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
