I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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