my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
