I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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