A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
