Welp...herpes.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
