She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
