Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Randomize
