I murdered the dance floor call the cops
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
