I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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