Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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