I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
