I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
