sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize