Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
