You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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