Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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