my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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