I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
