Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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