my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
