Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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