Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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