My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
