Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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