...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
