wrigley field is MILF paradise
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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