Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
