Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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