Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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