i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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