better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
