Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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