at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
