sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
