I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
