I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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