I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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