when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
