I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
