Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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