She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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