I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
