I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
