enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
organizing the empties. That sober.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
